after i read ur entry, tears came for the 2nd time since xmas nite.
but dis time, instead of fear and sadness, it stemmed from happiness and guilt.
happy coz u loved me, and still do.
guilty coz i allowed myself to love u lesser.

dun underestimate the mind, it can make one do things which their heart doesnt wish to do.

i love u,
Jo

PS: i changed the PW to our anniversary date (in the ring).



The rain has been pouring the whole day since morning. Woke up with a lethargic feeling and dragged myself to work. The last message you sent was still in my inbox.

"4get it, I dun expect u to understand nway. Nitez."
It hurts. The pain I felt when I saw this reply. I dun even dare to call you back, thou' on the other end, you hope to see my name appearing on the incoming call sign.

I chose to set my phone to silent mode. Lie on my bed and closed my eyes. This time round, there wasn't any tears involved. Just a message, that pierced thru' the heart.

I had illusions of you appearing in my head. I need to concentrate on work, but I can't. My fingers automatically typed out "voices" that I wish to say in my heart. I finally saw your replies. I was smiling to myself after that. *grinz*






i cant expect u to really understand the impact of wat i told u last nite, coz u have never experienced it b4.
i dunno how to fully explain it to u,
but i can only say its nothing good at all.
i was hoping so badly for u to call last nite, even though i told u not to.
but u called when i m not ard (not dat its ur fault).
maybe its easy for u to say "lets meet less often" becoz u dun feel much of the impact, but i do.
honestly, i dunno wat to do from now.
all i noe is dat i have to kp u away from my parents' clutches and hold on to this r/s for as long as i can.
if i sounded mean or harsh these days, i m sry. i didnt mean to make u unhappy.



romance in the rain.
dats wat we had yest.
enjoyed every min of it.
including the part where u got high on ur own. :p
but the best part was still the 21-sec feat.
too bad it wasnt done in 1 go. :p
but time always passes faster.
and eventually, we both have to split up to 2 diff ends of the island.
guess the next time i will get to see u might be next wkend.
will try to plan something nice this time.
and a surprise for u. *zip* :)

till den, i love u.



me again, coz the other half got nothing to write.
m typing this while eating rocky road choc from aussie, and watching the other half performing in front of her webcam. lol.
hmmz dis 2 days r great.
met her at clarke quay after her dinner.
i swear she was damn lucky dat day.
made some peanut tang yuan 4 her, which she ate in the bus.
i personally dun tink its very nice, but she still made herself eat most of it, guess coz i made it.
dats juz how nice she is. *shakes head*
spent the whole nite together, and she came over my place to stay. :)
but by the time we both bathed finish, we were both too tired to do anything else (esp her). shrugz.
but..........when the lights r off...............and we r inches away from each other..........*grinz*
and dis morn she was still as lucky, and managed to avoid seeing my parents!! *shakes head*
and i had to ans my mum's questions on my own after dat. lol.
went for bfast, bot 4D, den she went home
meeting her tmr for the whole afternoon and nite again!! :)
but time spent w her always seem to pass faster. urgh.
so i guess all i can do is enjoy n treasure every min of it.
so dun kp asking me to quarrel lah! heh.
shall come bk w more updates.



yupz back, but i dun really noe how to continue the prev post liao, coz i realised its already super long, so i guess i will juz post an ending to it b4 i get cut off.
i guess by now u would prob have read the post already, given ur gan chiong nature.
i hope it didnt leave any negative thoughts on u.
hmmz but judging by ur reaction on the webcam, seems ok....
i hoped i more or less told u wat u wan to noe for now.
other issues can be settled when it crops up again bah.



i told u i will give u a reply to ur post, so here is it.

honestly, part of me is glad dat u are finally willing to express exactly wateva u feel, be it bad or good, coz i m getting abit tired of guessing.
i dun have the courage to ask u outright, and sumtimes u dun really give me much of an answer, but i still wanna noe wats wrong n try to do sumting, so i guess.
but at the end of the day, i still dun really noe if my guesses r right or wrong, becoz i suppose u r able to make the issue miraculously disappear after a while.
u told me b4, as long as i m willing to accept wateva answer u give me, bad or good, u will be totally open n honest abt ur feelings. and i said yes, i will. and i still meant wat i said to dis day.

however, part of me do hope not to read such a post. coz at the 1st instance, i really dunno wat to do. i cant brush the issue away as much as i would like to sumtimes, becoz u said it urself, it will come bk 1 day. but i dun really noe how to react to it, coz i never really thought abt it. in the 1st place, i didnt even expect any1 to tok 2 u abt it, coz i noe u will be affected. i noe shldnt even tok to ANYONE abt it coz words r never safe, but sumtimes i juz cant control myself, i juz need to get sum words out, b4 everyting will be ok. but i guess, sumtings cannot be hidden and brushed under the carpet forever.

i dun expect u to behave like my mum and write me long long emails becoz i noe dats not ur style. i dunno if i like u to kp asking and asking questions coz i oso noe dats not ur style too. maybe i was too used to the past, when my ex used to control most of wat i do and ask me alot of questions. after sumtime, i wun say i enjoy her doing that, but i grew numb to it, such dat i became used to my partner asking me questions over every single thing. so when i m with u, and u gave me nearly complete freedom, it felt abit weird. but its not ur fault, u are right, we are both adults and shld behave like 1. which is why when yiwei told me to behave like a kid occasionally when i wan abit more attention from u, and dat behaving childishly at times is fine, i told her no. maybe its my ego, or my character, but i juz cant really see myself being childish when my partner is mature, and prob u wun really like dat too.

i dunno whether wat i said above gave u any sort of answer, becoz i never really took the time to seriously think abt dis. coz all this while i only have 1 principle with regards to this matter, as long as it will make u unhappy but it is not serious enough for me to brg it up, i will not say anything unless forced. becoz sumtings, i juz need time to tink them through, b4 i can have my own answer. wat i hate most is not a negative outcome, its not knowing the outcome at all. wateva i m writing now, is juz wateva dat comes to mind.

i really appreciate everyting u have done for me, and all the care and concern u shown to me. i noe u are also trying as hard to make me happy, juz as i am to u. i can see all that, i really can. which only makes me even more wanting to protect and kp u happy for as long as i can. becoz there are not many pple in this world who r willing to do wat u are willing to do, n i noe i have treasure u while u are still ard. i m not a very expressive person, i m bad at words. maybe dats why u feel dat i hide alot of things from u or dat i dun say as much as u would like me too. but i juz wan to say, there r times when i m really very unhappy over some things dat may or may not concern u, and dat i really really hoped dat u will be there, and i noe u will if i asked, but i juz cant get the words out. i noe its wrong, but sumtimes i juz feel dat i shldnt kp bothering or relying on u so much, becoz i noe if i m unhappy, u will be too, and u will try to cheer me up. and i really really appreciate dat, but i will feel abit guilty for making u do dat. dun ask me why i feel dat way, coz i dunno why too.

ok, i guess i have to stop here, have to run errands for mum. tok to u 2nite. love u.



hope u liked the dinner yest.
but i m so sry u had to freeze thru dinner, i didnt expect it to rain. :(
hmm i wanted to let u have an experience of snow coz u said u liked to have a winter christmas and dis is the best i can do to fufiling that wish, but was quite disappointed dat the snow was pretty fake. urgh.
but honestly, u were really cute when u tried protecting ur cup of tea from the falling "flakes" though. lol.
and thank you darling, for purposely braving the rain juz to get the wallet for me.
now i muz kp praying that u wun fall sick if not i will be damn guilty.
and yup, once again, u made me smile all the way home. :)

and i will still say dis over and over again, "i love u".



Seriously, i'm beginning to be bored of being socially and politically correct. So you really do wanna know how I felt, each time you told me you're going out with this ger or your ex, or wadsoever??

You really want me to squeeze out each and every details from you before I can feel safe?? You really think that I'm not feeling a tinge of jealousy when you said you wanna go JB with your friend?? You really think I can always be so cool and doesn't show any concern to your matters??

Is this wad you really wanna see in this entry? Do I really have to follow wad your mom has always been doing, typing a very long email telling you how I feel?? I mean, we're all adults. Sometimes, its not always one party to take on the proactive role. It takes two to clap. But wads the point if the other party always put on a brave front infront of you and assuring you there's nuting wrong with her?? I'm not someone who's going to pursue the matter further, in order to get the finalised answer. If this is the answer you're going to give me, I'll just accept it. Period.

I hate typing this over here. In fact, its hurting me. Maybe we should really quarrel one day. A big quarrel might just do us good, somehow or rather.

I dunno how you'll feel after reading this. But since you prefer me to express myself more, this is wad I expressed.

edited: I'm sorry if I sounded harsh. I don't really mean it that way, hope you understand how I feel. Please give me a buzz immediately after you read this.

SasH.



Dear is not in a very good mood these few days. Troubled with money, parents and lack of sleep. Especially money issue which gave her a great headache. Worst, I can't be of much help. Urghz.

Anyhows, we did have fun over at HerStory on Thurs. Its' sort-of the first time clubbing with you and the first time u've seen me dancing like a siao charbo, haha. Didn't really get very drunk cuz' we only had a jug of Vodka lime which taste like only lime juice. -.-"

This pig over here can't really dance. Maybe its the music, haha. She was practically stoning the whole nite, looking at how my xiao mei and her gf groove to the music. I was very happy cuz' I can finally stand beside and chat with Rice. Even her gf spoke to me, thou' its only for a short while, but I'm really very glad that we can somewhat clique now. No more silly words like, "Damn, its' Sash. Wad the hell is she doing here?! You better don't talk to her." Oh well~~

Dear was happy that she finally waited for it to happen. Who ask you NOT-TO take the initiative earlier on?! I'm not someone who takes initiative so easily too. So, blame who? haha. Anyway, I'd already forseen it to happen on that night. And after reading the analysis from the magazine I bought earlier on, I was laughing to myself too. Seriously, the feeling is good and as you can see, I'm actually quite inexperience in it. *Blush*

Why I don't really like to do it in the public cuz' I don't like the attention seek from outsiders, regardless during the time when I was still straight or now. Not that I'm shy or wad, just that when I saw others doing it along the streets or in town, all I think of is that they're just trying to put up a show for everyone to see. Well, I guess I'm just too conservative bout' it, wadever~ =P

Right, our 3rd month is coming real soon, follow by the festive seasons. Stupid department's dinner on the 22nd that spoilt the whole thing she planned. Gonna forward it to the 19th which I felt uber guilty. The mood is just not right for the 19th. But don't worry dear, I'll definitely rush down to meet you after my department's dinner ok?

I've got something for you. I hope you like it. *Winkz*

Till then,

SasH.



not in a very gd mood today, as u can read from my blog.
but i still wanna say i love clubbing and spending the nite w u.
cant wait to do it again soon.

i love u.



gg zouk w u ltr.
cant wait! :)
couldnt really slp last nite, i tink too kan cheong lah. heh.
too bad we both gotta work on fri, if not can laze in bed longer and have more pte time. heh.
looking forward to everyting we have in plan dis mth.
dinner, facial, countdown, etc. :)
time spent w u is always the nicest.
but its always the fastest too. urgh.

sometimes i wish u can be juz dat little bit more zu dong.
shrugz.

but wateva it is, i still love u. :)



finally completed vivo.
became a piece of toufu liao.
but the best nite was still the nite u came over to my place. :)
heck care the fact dat i only slept ard 3+ and had to wake up at 7+. heh.
yeah, was occasionally miao-ing at u while u were slping coz i cannot slp mah. heh.

sat nite was the very 1st time u said 'wo xiang ni' out of ur own accord.
dat msg will always be in my brain.
cant wait 4 the 14th too. :)

10 days more, and its 3 whole mths.
no anniversary date dis mth, but i noe its not ur fault.
funny, dis time, time seems to past pretty slowly.
felt like i have been waiting for the 22nd dec for a long long time. shrugz.

u r still as cool as the 1st time i knew u.
dunno how u can do it when i have to act cool most of the time.
prob u dun see the pt, but i dunno how to explain. shrugz.

awaiting ur next entry,



Wad a nice and lazy sat afternoon where I'd the luxury to woke up just at this hour and poor fat pig is working so hard over at Vivo today, *bleahz* But hey, I'm not a pig okie! *grinz*

Went over to dear's place last night, after chilling-out at Prinsep St with fruit juice and shisha. We reached home at around 130am, both of us are totally exhausted. Shortly after shower, guess I slpt at around 230am, not sure about that fat pig, heh.

Poor thing, woke up at 715am this morning, with merely about 5hrs of sleep. I'm okie with it since I can continue sleeping once I reached home, but she has to work till around 3am today. There's some midnight shopping thingy over at Vivo and she has to endure till around that timing. Worst thing is, she even has to work on Sunday, reporting time 9am!! Goodness, for the sake of moolahs, this silly fat pig is willing to do anything for it. Sigh.

Alrite, time to go prepare for dinner over at Bedok Market 85 later. Meeting my sec sch clique at 630pm later. Hiong will be driving us there again. I just lurve hanging out at night, especially when there's a car fetching you all around Singapore. *wide grinz*

Waiting for dear's entry, till then,

-SasH-



nothing much to do liao, so shall blog sumting here while waiting 4 u to come bk.
ayee i got so fat meh.....always call me fat pig!! grrrrr.
the most i try to jian fei loh. bleahz.
and ur entry ah, really quite bo liao lah, until i oso dunno wat to reply liao.
hmmz hao xiang gai jiang de wo dou jiang guo le leh.

oh! juz saw u come in. lol.
ok, i noe u will prob chase me to go study once u see this.
soon soon!

seeing ya tmr again! weee!
and tmr is my last paper!
tmr shld be a nice day. :)

but dec gonna be busy liao.
the only wkend i can spend w u is after the 23rd. urgh.
cant starhub give me wkday slots instead!
but anyway, i still cant wait 4 the 22nd dec! *winkz*
no point trying to ask me wats in store. *zip*

oh, and bel asked me to leave a msg for her here:
"HIHI!!! watashi wa bel desU! dozo yoroshiku onigaishimasu!!!!"
yeah i juz copied and paste from our convo. lol.

okok, shall end here if not kenna nag. :p



Going down to meet my fat pig soon. I know she's gonna kill me once she sees this entry, because its already 720pm! By the time I reached town, should be around 845pm and its just right for her to finish her closing, haha.

Had been slping like a pig for the whole day. Too tired to move my arse out of the bed. Went to buy lunch back around 2+pm, watch tv and fell aslp again at around 4pm. By the time dear called me, I was still dreaming in my lalaland. haha.

Too lazy to search for clothes now. Gonna just wear wad I'm wearing now and head down to town. Yaya, who cares!

Till then,

SasH.